A BROKEN CONNECTION

i am consumed by fear for you

in my every thought your name intrudes

i cannot send it away

it is too much a part of me.

your name your

everything

that is you

i fear for you

for you have no fear

nor friends

only brief encounters

who like you are alone in need of:

not friendship,

no for that would involve a kind of acknowledgement that they and you exist in a physical place or sphere much greater than you think you are;

loneliness forces you into a self isolation state where you exist on show

you try desperately to connect

you try desperately to pretend that

connections hold no meaning for you

and like your name your beautiful name you keep changing;

adding to shortening to suit the company you keep and

like everything else you keep changing that too!

i want to embrace your trembling body that no one else can see or understand as I do

but even i your flesh and blood

you keep at a distance

those who are not you

you disallow from entering your circle that is empty,

there is nothing it can connect to

it is none existent,

but there all the same,

it is set in an empty space somewhere perhaps only in my imagination

we are so alike in ways though

i suspect you would not approve or agree with my insightfulness

that

we are connected

but you cannot and will not accept this recognition from your own flesh and blood maybe because it adds to the fear you fear!

Let me enter your secret circle

i want to enter move in close and whisper how much i love you

but you only allow me to call you by a name not your real name but a shortened version,

and so i comply with your wishes otherwise i might lose you again!

but even that is uncertain because sometimes it feels like i never had you

but still i love you and you have burdened my life with an incompleteness and all i can do is hope

for a miracle

God will not force you to accept His miracle

that is why He gave us a free will

will your indifference force me to beg.

i will be a beggar because

i love you

and love is the only thing that is love –

in our lives blindness makes us deaf

we cannot feel or touch the depth of the heart

for fear will surely make it disappear

if we try but we know it is there somewhere somehow

we know it exists

somehow it survives.

I have to keep writing in hope that on the last line you may be there waiting and I might find you, again and connect as a friend to like or dislike on f/b. Amen!